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Just Another Unemployed Nigga

December 18, 2015

This piece was sparked by a conversation held at my counsin’s Christmas party this past Sunday December 13, 2015.

I have wrestled over these past few days with typing this, although most thoughts I wanted to express were written out Sunday night, a conversation with my oldest daughter yesterday about diversity, and the season finale of Being Mary Jane, I awaken this Friday morning typing this.

Sunday at the Christmas party I was having a conversation with three gentlemen which initially started from the score of the football game, spiraled into a another conversation in which the biggest point I received from the entire conversation held  was “how do we get our minds to the Haves”

During this conversation I mentioned how so many are being condemned for “selling out” and most never stand up in masses unless it’s to blame someone for being a sell out.

How are we defining sell out’s, and why are we so comfortable with 1 out of every 25 “making it”. In a world of over 100 Billionaires, African- Americans have a total of 3, and the majority of our millionaires are in this bracket due to sports or entertainment. We know these figures have been discussed before and too many “White- Americans” we sound like a broken record but who in society keeps producing and manufacturing the album. We make too much music to want to hear the same songs playing over decades.

My way of thinking and in my world, I always analyze me to fit the solutions, ideas, or answers to a bigger picture.

Now at the party the conversation is flowing, and everyone’s making good points, expressing sides(perspectives and views) others haven’t considered before; and then Mr. Hester asked me after I answered a question ” Wow, what do you do?”

And like I a deer caught with headlights yes I froze and went to my safety “Position”- answering “I clean houses”

Now officially after a 15 year struggle of aiming to make my Residential Cleaning Services a lucrative business and “thus income”, Novemeber 1, 2015, I kissed this endeavor goodbye.

So later Sunday evening after contemplating on everything discussed I realized that I have been writing, and sharing for almost 15 years but because I haven’t quite made that “mark” yet, very rarely do I define myself as a writer when speaking about my employment.

I have been a mother for over 21 years but because my finances have been in the hole for the last 21 years very rarely do I proudly “speakingly” define myself as a mother of 3, with the oldest in her junior year of college studying Biology 3.3 GPA, my middle daughter attending early high school in the 6th grade, and my son, the youngest, a straight A student advanced to AIG in 5th grade. My ability to not “fully” provide for my children financially with another year of not affording Christmas gifts has added failure to my resume more than I have ever cared to share until now.

Even as a registered business owner for 15 years, I rarely “spoke” of myself as an Entrepreneur or Business Woman  because the business just never reached that “point” for me to be completely proud of, however to not be “just another unemployed nigga” – I always stated I clean houses.

I look at my writings and see how I BOLDLY express and confess my thoughts and ideas with no worries of feedback or reactions. I do not type or share under an alias in any platform, yet year after year, time after time- I realized that somewhere in my pride and perfection, image, and idea of “what it means to be worthy”  and BOLDLY SPEAK saying I am a mother, writer, and business woman/entrepreneur  in my mind more than I grasped to notice my pockets and possessions didn’t match so neither does my life.

Truthfully once again I noticed someone else would tell people I have a cleaning business or I am writer quicker than I would speak it for myself.

It is so amazing to know what I know, share the things I share, and have learned so much of the beyond but this factor of money and not having, constant struggle, asking, and yes begging completely blinded my personal view of ME seeing me as an investment instead of “just another unemployed nigga”.

I have always admitted to needing more growth, having so much more to learn, and being a work in progress yet to see how deep down inside no matter how much growth and progress I had accomplished- this thought and image was deep hearted and the root of much.

So in the examination and the realization of this, not only will I BOLDLY speak from Sunday 12/13/15 til I no longer have words to speak , “I not only write but confess” I am a Proud Mother of 3 very smart children, I am a writer, and I am a business woman/entrepreneur.

I realize that no matter how much I think “highly” my environment will have to support this higher thinking BOLDLY, I have to Trust and Network more, and Trust even more, and I have to truly rid myself of ALL the false images I have rooted within. I have to analyze the encouragement of many and how strong that persuasion of few has caused me more fear, worry, and anxiety than ever grasped, and most importantly I have to WHOLEHEARTEDLY nail into my “psyche” that I am Queendom, Worthy, a Mother, Writer, and a Business Woman based on my current status alone, and I have made accomplishments in each area.

Whether we embrace it or not, this entire world operates from investments and how I embrace myself as one of these investments seems to be the difference in me being a “Have”

There are 6 days til Christmas and Winter Break officially starts at my house today, so the one gift I am hoping to share with the world and in this piece is as the year closes and we begin a new one, may our New Year’s Resolution include us seeing ourselves as not only someone with a story to tell, but a story that will help others make it, become a “Have”, and generate a Wealth of self so Great, we understand that many things maybe missing but we are far from the “Have Nots”.

We are more than we show, we are more than we know, and we are generators of this world and we have generations to fully live and create growth. Invest in your family, friends, and future. Invest.   
 

Merry Christmas World, Happy Hoildays and Enjoy your New Years Day – I am officially on Winter Break as well and I will return to all technology 1/5/2016.

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2 Comments
  1. You already are a HAVE. You HAVE a quick and positive mind. You HAVE strength and endurance. You HAVE courage. You HAVE vision. You HAVE love for your children. You HAVE the ability to SEE things in a way that will get you where you want to go. Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring you all good and wonderful things. Keep writing and make a book out of your thoughts.

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