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Yes I Need this to Pass

November 6, 2015

I get so frustrated with repeated mistakes, but they only reveal somethings so deep rooted within,  sometimes I wonder if maybe this will just be me no matter how much I “hate” it.  Why are the lessons so hard for me to learn? –  I know this is a battle that I will not win on my own, and I question will it take longer than I have patience to endure, and if I  have to accept, to embrace “maybe” this is me how do I live it in peace?

The other day (Monday night to be exact) I expressed to my Cousin, when the ones that say I Love You are the closest ones to you and are the “stingiest ” people you encounter, how can you trust outside to be giving?  Now please be clear this “stingy” that I speak of deals with money but it’s beyond money as well.

That conversation surfaced in reference to him sharing, tonight an instance with a friend of mine occurred where I had to check myself and say, yes , I admit you did offer to help me with that 3 years ago;  I heard the offer so please accept my late reply. This is a clear case of pride which creates stinginess in my mind – deeper than money.

I share this post tonight to say Trusting God, trusting myself and trusting others is the most painful rewarding step I’ve been baby stepping towards for more time than I would like to deal with; and honestly more time than needed if it wasn’t for the battle with pride over “frivolous things” ( another phase of stinginess in my head).  I am grateful to face the outcome everytime I do push pass the pride and the no’s.

Today I heard No in many ways and as much as I heard No – I received a Yes twice.  Each day I promise my problems are not as huge as some but I am in pain and I hurt (feelings and broken heart); and this life is amazing and crazy thus my gratitude for the yes and the offers are somewhat scary to accept due to the steps and reasoning in my mind to get yes.

Tonight I accepted the No’ s with slow songs, friends, and the Steps of Trust I gain every time I remembered to concentrate, focus, pause for a second and rethink , hoping to get Yes, next time.

I expressed to my friend my disappoints of the day, how one thing said yes and another thing said No.   She answered my complaints and said Niki in these three years that I have known you, we know things work out. So tonight after dealing with more heartbreak than I wanted too.  I end this day affirming I Trust so therefore I see what I believe.

I have to increase my knowing it will work and stop allowing the No’s to sway me and knock me off course where I react to the No so quickly I accept it. Thanking God in advance for All the Yes’ of tomorrow. God Speed World – Today was truly another testimony to stay in Faith and Trust.

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