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Yes I Need this to Pass

November 6, 2015

I get so frustrated with repeated mistakes, but they only reveal somethings so deep rooted within, what can I say, maybe it will just be me no matter how much I “hate” it. –  This is truly a battle that I will not win on my own, will take longer than I have patience, or I will have to accept, to embrace “maybe” this is me.

The other day (Monday night to be exact) I expressed to my Cousin, when the ones that say I Love You are the closest ones to you and are the “stingiest ” people you encounter, how can you trust outside to be giving?  Now please be clear this “stingy” that I speak of deals with money but it’s beyond money as well.

Now, he and I had that conversation Sunday in reference to him sharing, tonight an instance with a friend of mine occurred where I had to check myself and say yes I must admit you did offer to help me with that 3 years ago, I heard the offer so please accept my late response of yes. This is a clear case of pride which creates stinginess in my mind – deeper than money.

I share this post tonight to say Trusting God, trusting myself and trusting others is the most painful rewarding step I have been baby stepping towards for more time than I would like to deal with and honestly more time than needed if it wasn’t for the battle with pride over “frivolous things” ( another phase of stinginess in my head).  But I am so grateful to face the outcome everytime I do push pass the pride and the no’s. Today I heard No in many ways yet as much as I heard No – I received a Yes twice.  And each day I promise my problems are not as huge as some but I am in pain and I hurt (feelings and broken heart) and the answers are still yes; and the life is all amazing and crazy thus my gratitude for the yes and the offers are somewhat scary to accept due to the steps and reasoning in my mind to get yes.

Tonight I accepted the No’ s with slow songs, friends, and the Steps of Trust I gain everytime I remembered to concentrate, focus and speak I “came too far to accept no”, pause this second and rethink this to get Yes. Tonight I expressed to my friend how one thing said yes and another thing said No and she looked at me and said Niki in these three years that I have known you, we know things work out. Thus, tonight I admit once again I Trust so therefore I see what I believe, I have to increase my knowing it will work and stop allowing the No’s to sway me and knock me off course where I react to the No so quickly I accept it. Thanking God in advance for All the Yes’ of tomorrow. God Speed World – Today was truly another testimony to Faith.

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