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The Mistake that Keeps on Giving (Detailed)

June 30, 2015

On June 24th I wrote

“The mistake that keeps on giving- doing everything in your doing to make it end- the lessons of this or that – working here working there – joining this joining that- when you done all you can – applying to everything you can- you have nothing left for you to actually do and then – the mistake that keeps on giving – says you have been here before- look at where you are now – you have learned how to survive- so let’s begin to soar- the scars and pain are real -but so is Victory and Joy”

This thought was inspired because what I didn’t say in detail was it’s another job lost and every year I start with a plan of how I will make this or that, how I will be able to save this year and then.  And as expressed in a conversation with my brother, I will take the blame for every job loss prior to this one- but this time because I was separated for asking for a print out of how I am being paid-and I was told “I should be happy I am being paid and no one else ask, so why should I need to know” – I truly refuse to take blame and paint it any other way-as I have always done in my past.  No I am not saying every job prior wasn’t my fault however I am saying that although I may not be the easiest person to get along with nothing about my personality makes me wrong for wanting to know the breakdown of my pay especially when I know I didn’t ask rudely.

This coming August I will be 40 years old, I own nothing except my children and very few clothes and I have lived in this suppressed anger for the last 26 years frustrated with me taking the blame for EVERYTHING; attempting almost EVERYTHING to make things change!!!!!!!

June 10, 2015 marked year 5 of closing 3 decades and although much of this time has been spent reading, writing, learning, reflecting, burials, transitions, and transformation; it was this life moment that showed me the life I Live is so misleading because my beliefs and actions rarely matched.  I have spent too much time spinning wheels searching for things I already had.  The things I was taught, believed or learned was overpowering the things I “Believe” and know. So much was in access and I couldn’t  realize how to Bless “the build” to possess because of this embedded image of how it’s suppose to be; constantly exhausting myself digging to find what I thought I was missing and “missing many things in front of me so consumed with finding”.

Now in these past five years I have accomplished things I never thought I would accomplish and because of the separation from my usual Life my perspective of Life is Lived and expressed greatly. But this moment made me ask again How will I accomplish what I desire in life?  and What do I truly desire in Life?

To end up in this situation again, I asked What have I been looking for?  Seeing I was searching for that Life I thought I should be living.  What Life should I be Living? The image of what I thought was required to be independent and bring Happiness.  What was that Happiness?  The notion of the things I “must want” to possess in order to be worthy of Living.  My happiness was there and I missed enjoying moments completely in search of tomorrow, better and the future.  And l notice every year around this time- I end up in a predicament similar to this somehow.

However on June 29, 2015 after I have spent more time processing the separation from the job June 13, 2015 and the thought shared on June 24th this time – I can embrace starting over again -again – I am embracing, confessing, acknowledging, and sharing the pain and scars of how I am living, along with Victory and Joy.  In the past I aimed to make it all make sense and make my Life look right – I would say Fuck it , and grab something quick to prove I have a job.  This time I will not allow guilt, shame or embarrassment to win. This time I share in details outside of my closed circle.  This time I share because I have allowed my lifestyle to capture me in many moments of unworthiness long enough. This time I share knowing that if I continue living with my head down more than up based on the thought of what I must possess to feel completely worthy to do this or that, like a shadow over my shoulder, waiting on that “moment” that fits the “image” to Live happiness – I will never be able to Live “freedom” wholeheartedly, write in complete confidence, and talk with people other than a few cousins and co-workers. This time I share to overcome defeat beyond measure and encourage others.  This time I share to bring focus to fulfill dreams and goals.

In this start over again-“again” I now know this – The things I am prepared for in my Life are my decisions and attitude to handle what comes, the drive to press towards my destiny and the walk to being True to what I know I have to do.  Learn my rhythm, know my path and embrace my value within.

Happiness is Love of self and Love shared. Happiness believe who I am.  Happiness is knowing Life throws obstacles and I am not always the blame, it’s not always for me to fix it and no one is exempt so embrace the moment and all it brings.  Happiness is knowing pain has value and the longer I avoid EVERYTHING that comes with the pain the more it constantly appears. Happiness is not  a search it exists in moments. Happiness proves Victory and Joy are real.

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