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3 weeks of reflection

September 16, 2014

Today is September 16, 2014 and it’s 17 days after my 39th Birthday- and I know to some age is just a number- to most youths 21 is old-and to others they refuse to count especially when they have reached an age they feel is old- in my mind old doesn’t happen until 80. I am a fan of counting age because I view it as a blessing of maturity thankful for another year granted plus I Love counting the days as memories of milestones crossed.

I haven’t taken the time to write or rewrite as I planned but I made time to complete a very important deadline with my Writer’s Group this past week; and I am glad to say the writing was placed on hold this summer because the time was used to volunteer with ACTS’ summer program . I am also glad that I was appointed Lead of the program and although this lead was not in a “huge” position, the fact of me accepting Lead for anything was a “huge” challenge for me. I have a terrible habit of not owning up to my abilities and I hold to fear- more than the stepping up.

Along with the Lead position at the summer program, I also agreed to a role as one of four main characters in a play titled Beauty for Ashes. This drive I have to work harder reminds me of the ambition and determination I had when I graduated from High school before I allowed the fear, shame, and guilt of mistakes hold me back and I begin to live in second guessing more than instincts.

I titled this the 3 week celebration because along with the steps reflected for this summer and the confessional celebration of my 39th Bday( Aug 30th) of me drinking for 8 days consecutively (Jose Cuervo only-beginning Aug 24th- Sept 1st)vowing to live without a care in the World.( in the most quiet, respectful way possible, not fussing with anyone,just pure enjoyment) To browsing many old pics looking for the right one to share on My Father’s Bday Sept 14th and my Mother’s Bday Sept 15th – I type today on Sept 16th feeling inspired and needing to vent.

I saw that a big part of the fear, guilt and shame I was feeling was due to me allowing others’ opinion of me weigh more than it should. And people spend WAY TOO MUCH much time trying to tell others’ who they should be, what they are like, and who they are not.

Last Tuesday Sept 9th- I expressed to a co- worker- “I am truly tired of people telling Niki, who the Fuck she is, why is it so hard for people to let Niki be the fuck who she gon be”

But spending this summer stepping up as a Lead in both areas has helped to see, it’s just that -Niki is going to be who the fuck she gon be. And while I have been called every name under the sun, to “crack” on me, put me down, along with many sarcastic compliments. I can actually count on one hand how many times in my 39 years of existence the people who have given genuine compliments -straight shooters no chasers. Before I matured I was taking in the insults and spending too much time always “trying to fix me”. Now I know that regardless of what’s said bad or good, people don’t waste their time talking about anything or anyone unless “something makes it Worth talking about” ( be it the media, news, or the person themselves) . And yes like Forest maybe I am and/or can be stupid, clueless, or just down right CRAZY as I often hear -But now that I have looked at all the ugly – a co-actress Ms. Watts handed me a mirror one night at practice, and told me to say to myself God’s Love me, I am beautiful, and I can do this while looking at my reflection in that mirror- as she could sense me struggling with my lines was a factor of confidence. And in the process of repeating that daily, along with verse Isaiah 61:3 which is my main line and the basis of the play. I had to stop focusing so much on the hurtful words and LIVE -not just write and encourage others- but LIVE the beauty that created me, from the ONE that created me, through the two that made me, and accept it ALL.

Niki has always been Niki- and with much fear present for reasons deeper than most know – I will continue to seek the Lead- and I now grasp that if people are using any type of time, energy, or words to say anything about me good or bad- accept it- and if it helps use it – if not rebuke it . I have to accept that as a HUMAN we face much criticism and the better you are -the more you will have to face- just ask anyone famous and they will tell you- its hard living a Good Life in peace and during this reflection and looking at the pictures I had to acknowledge that my life overall has been good.

And as black as I am and as Black as I can be, I am an American who lives in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and as a citizen of this country my Constitution grants me equality, meaning I will continue to Live my good life of all that I have that makes people talk. I am Blessed to have known my great grandparents, I have my grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, siblings, children, nieces, nephews, cousins and host of family, “relatives”, and friends who helped and currently help Create this Good Life, plus I will continue to do my part and Lead more to make it better.

Happy September Everyone this writer needed and wanted to vent. Take a deeper look into the reflection- I promise in ALL the ugliness LIFE CAN AND WILL BE GOOD IF YOU MAKE IT!!!! SO DARLING MY DEAR MAKE IT!!!! I KNOW THAT I WILL!!!!!!!

Revised and “re-written”February 5, 2015

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