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Love – September 29, 2013

October 7, 2013

I often feel as if my topics or words are about the same things- God, Love and Peace- I ask myself don’t I have anything else going in Life -as a mother of three, with the oldest attending her 1st year of college, 38 waitress-ing at one of the most interesting restaurants ever (Trust me on that)- still at home with my parents, assisting in care of a Grandfather with Alzheimer, how is it when I decide to blog or post my topics are the same – GOD, Love and Peace-

Yet here I am again blogging about Love- coming to grips with -my topics being the same because at this time in my Life- I am waking towards healing , so I can be an instrument of Love and Peace.  I am seeing this time in my life as a part of an assignment in my pursuit of purpose. The last three years have truly been about  me defining and finding me for me- being what God has created only me to be. Accepting no other’s definition of me.  And knowing in this being there is still and always will be much to learn, discover and re-define about me. I am a woman which is complex and multifaceted and there will never just be one-side to being me_ I do too much and grow to rapid to “just” be the same. For all old things have come to pass and the new me that’s emerging can no longer be limited by that small vision of Life I once Lived. With Greatness comes understanding, communication, Trust, honesty, and TRUTH.

Last week my son asked me -if I wanted a boyfriend- and I had to think – then I answered saying  “well Jay men and I seem to not get along- so right now – I don’t bother”

Later I asked my self why don’t men and I get along and in further examination I had to admit that although I am a mother of three and spent numerous hours on the phone “bragging and boasting” about my “relationships”_ I have never really been in a “defined” committed relationship- I had to examine that for me I couldn’t make myself like the “right ones” and spent so much energy on the “wrong ones”- I had to face that I often ran from commitment quicker than the males did- and even now I have given my number to a few and I don’t answer the phone- I had to step back and acknowledge that not one time in any relationship did I ever consider what I wanted from it and in my latest and last encounter -when he asked me what did I want from Him – I couldn’t answer nor did I ever consider the question about that relationship or the ones before it.

Next I asked me -What do I want from a man- what do I consider a real relationship- how do I define it and what are the boundaries to making it real

Then I had to face the hardest part of it all- in my previous relationships how often did I hear or say I Love you- when where the words expressed-who expressed it-how did I receive it and what is Love to me -how did I express it- did I ever express it- who can I say really showed me Love and what made me think it was Love-and if I was in a relationship right now- What would a Loving relationship be like for me?

And in the midst of these questions I realize that many of my friends are not married, many of the men I meet are divorced, marriages in general are not as lasting as the ones I knew of, and what is it that I missed where I haven’t been able to keep a “malefriend” or job 🙂

I learned in the beginning that Love was just something or someone that made me feel good. Surface love it didn’t have weight- people who were “nice to you”

Then I understood Love as “Being True” no matter what a person did if you stayed then it was Love, I was “True”

In my late late 20’s:)  is when I 1st “heard” to comprehend Love from 1st Corinthians 13 (NKJV)- … Love suffers long and is kind, Love does not envy, Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up, does not behave rudely, does not seek it’s own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in Truth. Bears all thing, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Love has a physical, a family Love, affectionate Love, and Love of choice.

Then I examined my thought and I realized that Love was 1st introduced to me at 19 by my daughter, and by the time I had my other two children( ten years later)  they were my lessons in the physical and verbal Love.  And in the process of raising them- so determined to be the best parent they could have and deserve- I begin to experience that sacrificial love that God gave to us in His Son- because through them I truly knew and lived a Life of Loving beyond me.

Then it saddened me to see that as much as I was loving them with all I had- I still didn’t have the Love for me that was required of me to Whole-y Love others- And in 2009 the dedication and process of Loving NIKI begun- although I didn’t realize it then until now- 2009 so much transpired that year -in the entire process of maturity much knowledge, understanding, and a newness on many things had arrived.

And through the constant reading of God’s words- new friendships- and continuous practice- four years later I am able to type and share this

I have been able to “back track” and share a new sense of understanding with the ones who were given to me – i.e. my family-especially my parents and siblings. I have a good relationship with my living Grandparents, my oldest daughter’s father, cousins, Aunts and Uncles. And we all have a better understandings of “where the other stands”- something that didn’t exist in the past- not saying we are the perfect family now; I am saying things get resolved much better than before:)

AND WHILE 🙂 the journey continues I know that I love me enough to say that when GOD sees fit to send companionship my way -I know that I have to understand where I stand; being clear on what I am looking for and requiring from the relationship. Knowing most importantly that my Love is a gift of me that can only be shared with individuals who are worthy to receive.  Thank You God for my children and family however I am Trusting You will allow some dating to occur in the very near Future 🙂

“Real Love will allow me to be the best me I can be accepting Greatness without insecurities- a Truth whose opposite is only Truth- remembering every thing is not my fault yet mindful enough to know where I play my part- Although it should be expressed in words -its far better shown and believed through deed. Real Love will be received by a Wealthy 🙂 worthy Like minded soul- but its has to start with me. Loving me, Trusting me, Trusting to Knowing God loves me Most of ALL”

Revised February 4, 2015

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